Her Scars, Is not it Beautiful?

It was a dusky autumn, I found her sitting alone at top roof with smoke in her hand. I felt quitestrange because I never saw her smoking alone. Went near her and asked.
'What's wrong?   why alone today??'
She replied.. 'Not in mood to talk with anyone, wanted to be alone sometime but you managed to ruin. By the way look at the horizon, is not it beautiful. These clouds so pretty na Shubh, Hey wait, you love taking pictures na, take it, it's photogenic and really beautiful.

Yes it looks beautiful. See the red linings all over that place. It's beautiful. ..I replied

She said 'Yes, it is. It's so beautiful the sky'

'..but It's not sky I am talking about, it's about the cut marks visible upon your wrist. It looks beautiful, Is not it?' And I used my sarcastic tone to push her so that she could speak up the story behind those scars on her wrist.
Here comes A deep silence..!!

"Every Time I asked about, the reply was just a silent and strange look on me. Every Time I looked inside her eyes to find the answers she hide, she managed to change the topic by questioning me or by giving me a silent treatment. I was sure there would be a story behind those scars. I wanted her to speak about it. It's not because I was curious but every time I looked at her, something about her always bothered me.  Maybe it's my presumptions but I was sure that she wasn't ok. There is something inside her which was broken and needed to be fix ASAP and problem with me is that I just can't stop myself from fixing things and people"

"Its beautiful na? say na? Am I asking you something. Riya, is not it beautiful??" I insisted her to speak up but She got angry and shouted.
"Will you please shut up. You think it's fun. It's beautiful, you are enjoying it right ? then why don't you take a blade make some marks on you own wrist and make it beautiful too."
A long Silence and then here comes her 'sorry'

I said... “Its okeh,  give me one cigarette. common give na”

" You smoke Shubh, from when? I never saw you smoking ? when did you start smoking" ..she screamed like she saw a ghost in front.
Since class Eight I smoke but not a chain smoker. Not so addicted just a casual.  By the way just because You have never seen me smoking does not make me a non-smoker just like may be I don't know the reason behind those scars that doesn't mean that I can't guess and see what's going inside your life. And this time I was loud with my voice.

“Please Shubb, don't irritate me. I don't wanna talk about it. Why you keep on asking about it. stop peeking me.”  ..she said

'I won't stop until you speak up, I want you to express and
speak up everything going inside you.  Don't you see, look at your face in mirror, It's like something killing you from inside and yes don't dare to tell me that everything is fine because I know it's not. I am good at knowing everything. So start speaking'

She replied 
'You know, I don't have friend in Bangalore. Meeting you people here was a gift for me. First time I found a place where I can have friends and you people deserve it.  After whatever happened in past I wanted to move on.  So I left my home place and shifted here but you know what, no matter how far you go or how fast you run. Your darkest ghost gonna come for you and hunt you down. Something like that happening. It's my ex, called me last week.  numerous message and missed calls.  It kills me when I don't reply but it kills me more when I reply in spite of knowing what I went through. I am in dilemma. Why now? Why after all those broken promises and broken me. You wanted to know about those scars na then listen.
“Those were days when I was like you only smiling, Trusting everyone, open heart, not scared  as you are right now. But good things makes you vulnerable to bad people. Something like that happened. I never knew I will fall for someone like him. Every time he talked with me it was like he was speaking from his true heart. Every promises he made was from his soul. Something about him was making me crazy and then comes a day He proposed. I was like “Damn, He proposed, what should I do now. Commitment is something I never gave a damn about but it took me 5 days for me to figure out that I was ready. “Yes, I do have a feeling for you” I said it to him. Regular meeting, hanging out in groups, sometimes alone.

It became a habit for we both. Somehow , I don't know from where but my Dad came to know about it. He didn't scold but warned me. Mom was same like family Drama Scolding, lesson, examples but you know this love has a strange feeling. You do what you feel not what everyone say. You don't look for examples but you become one. Same with me happened. The blind trust let me fall in a pit of darkness. 6 months of long relationship so we thought to move onto another step and that was my biggest mistake. Before that it was all okeh but after that something has changed. Every time we met, he tried to be physical with me. I didn’t know what has happened to him. He was changed or he was just pretending to be Good when he met me. Feelings, emotions and trust now changed into Anger, misunderstandings and Sex only. A complete change of perception  and understanding. I thought it's normal but slowly slowly it became serious and very hard to handle. So I insisted to be normal or keep distance from me. As expected , he abused, misbehaved and broke up with me by using words like, slut Whore etc. we stopped talking since then. I tried to move on in my life and it takes time. The bubbly smile and the happening me was a forgotten story by then. I confined my self within 1-2 people only. And there comes a big bang. Cheap rumours, gossip about my physical relation with him and some intimate pictures started circulating within college mates. As my dad is a teacher this reached into his ears too and that's the day I realised what have I done and what my dad warned me about. The scars you are seeing right now is that only. I just wanted to spill out every drop of blood from my vain. I cut once, twice, thrice and so on but not enough to make me dead. Though I had nothing to hold on but the parents and family was enough to scare me from suicide. Many family member came to me, lectures, moral boosting and lots of talks. I was suffocating there so Dad decided to make me shift here in Bangalore. I came here joined some professional course and tried to move on. I almost deleted every contact from my past life but You know what shubh, No matter how evil it is or how worst it become and no matter how many time it knocks you down. You still get up and start loving once again. And now when He called again that part of me trying to raise its head again from dead. Why now? Why after so long? Why after everything he did? What was my mistake? Where did I go wrong ? If trust believe are so bad then why we get lessons about trust and hope in our childhood classes. He called me slut, whore ? Am I ? I didn't insisted. He did. So how come my moral was licentious. And you say something is killing me from inside. It's no Shubh, Because that Me is died a long ago. Now I am just a flesh bone breathing."
You asked about the story behind these scars, that's the story. But I didn't gave up, I had a chance to kill myself and stop everything but I didn't. Everyday when I wake up and see these scars of my wrist it gives me hope and reminding me always that I am not coward or loser. I have survived my bad days and now all I wanna is just concentrate on my life success that's all. But it looks beautiful to you, is not it ? Funny, Haan Shubh ?

Gosh, I expected this story behind it but I didn't knew that it will be so deep when I would hear from her voice.

Yes it is beautiful and I mean it. The scars you wore is not the defeat. It's the symbol of your survival. And like you said every morning you see it, you get hope for the day to fight and survive the new life. I don't know what it looks like to other but for me it's always beautiful. Because it represents the beauty of your Heart. Let's go down stairs we are finished with our smoke now. We will talk about it later but at first Block that bastard with very abusive words and be bad ass sometime, understand !!


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