The Insensate Buddha ( Quite but didn't Quit - 2 )

"..I got cut, I cut my finger while playing with the blade.  It hurts and I was feeling the sensation of enormous pain in my tiny little finger of a year old child. It was bleeding and I was scared to let anyone know including because I knew they would scold me for playing with blades. I washed it inside tap water and rubbed the finger with towel but bleeding was in no mood of stopping. What to do next?  should I speak to my family members or should I speak to my maternal grandfather who would protect me from getting scold by other family members. In the dilemma of all that the better option was to keep quite and be outside in playing ground till bleeding stops. It was night, I almost forgot about the injury but while having dinner I suddenly shouted at top of my voice. Uncle was like what happened while I dipping my finger in glass of water. Food was spicy and the injuries of my finger felt the terrible pain when touched it. Finally I had to explain everything to all. How I managed to steal razor from his shaving kit, how I broke it to get blade inside, how I made the cutting knives from it by using ice cream stick. How I used to scare my pals & we used to play with  knives using rubber band.  How it cut my finger and made blood stains on towel. Suddenly a tight slap of aunty reminded me that I was wrong and again 2-3 more slaps. No one intervened because it was my mistake I shouldn't have done it.  But at least I could have been forgiven with a warning and they should have worried about my injured finger n blood loss but not my mischief.

Sleeping with the teary eyes reminded me of mom & dad because they were in village for some work. My mind was re-repeating everything happened today one by one. By the time I realised the reason behind it. I got caught just because I didn't able to bear the pain due to that spicy food. So What's next ? It was time to do something more spicy and I  determined something.. 

It was winter with little fog out there in ground and there were few people jogging around ground. I took out the small packet of paper filled with salt, chilly powder and that blade with which I got injured last time. Holding onto the blade I placed my thumb of other hand infront of blade. This time it was intensely and I let it bleed the cut longer than the yesterday.  It was bleeding and hurting as well. I got tear in my eyes but didn't stopped till it reach half way thumb. I felt it, the rage, the pain, the agony of hurting self and now what I was going to do was enough to make it look worst.  I remembered how I couldn't able to bear the small amount of pain due to spicy food in my dinner. Took out the salt with chilly powder and I rubbed it on bleeding thumb. Trust me the pain I felt at that age of 6 year by rubbing chilly powder on cut mark was unbearable and un-measurable, I literally screamed and shouted but thank god, no one was there outside to hear it. I just wanted to get rid of it. For once and for always I wanted to get rid of that moment but there was no backing up. In that pain only thing I could see around was ground filled with fog and there was no sunshine. I just wanted my pain to get dissolve in it So, I ran, I ran fast, too fast till the adrenaline rush of my body absorbed all the pain of that injury. After two round of ground, I realized I wasn't felling any pain. It stopped, I made it, I absorbed it and I learned to control and absorb the pain without worrying much about it.

It was dinner time,  dipped my thumb inside gravy, and tasted it. It tasted spicy but yet sweet. I was feeling nothing, no pain, no hurt no agony. That was the night, I slept with a hopeful heart that I can face anything and everything.

Its almost 20 years I use the same technique to cut, rub the salt and run till it stops hurting. But definition of that blade, chilly powder and salts has changed. Its a never ending rush I know because through the days passed,  I am addicted of torturing self more and more and control that rage.The more I controlled the more it filled me with rage. Rage against everything and everyone who was bad to me. But I control it, I absorb it. The more everyone & everything did bad to me the more I let them do same because somewhere I knew I can face it. So after absorbing that grief of others I run, I run by from everything and everybody to control it and I don't have a choice except running. Things are changed now from that first time. I used to scream out loud while applying chilly powder on cut but now I scream in silence without voice. I am quite now but I still feel same pain and no more screaming.
I am Quite now but I still fight, I still control. Its never ending chase to self. 
I am Quite but I didn't Quit and I would not ever. 

I guess its my train's depart time, time to bye-bye all. 


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